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Those of you who are prone to poor mental health, this title will perhaps stir some recognition for you. It’s unfortunate but this is where I am right now…

CW: Reference to emotional abuse, depression

How frustrating is it to be back in the “trying to do basic tasks” phase of depression? After all that work you’ve done, time you’ve spent trying your best to look after yourself, you’re back in the waiting room at the doctor’s… Ugh.

I feel you. Oh wait nope… I don’t feel anything. Just a little depression joke there for you. Yes, they are all that bad – it’s almost like I’m depressed, what do you want from me? But, I digress. The point is, I understand exactly what it is to feel this because, that’s right where I am.

It’s really painful to feel like you’ve gone nowhere in a year and you’re back where you’ve started. It feels like no progress has been made. But that’s not entirely true. Right now, I am trying to remind myself that I’m not. I’m smarter, I’m wiser, I’m mending. I’m learning and developing new strategies to live well. And at the end of the day this isn’t personal – it’s just chemistry, mate. Brains are organs and if something is out of whack, you’ve just got to get it back into tip top shape, just like any other.

I am still processing trauma from an emotionally abusive relationship and actively trying to build myself back up to my former yet more informed self. I am trying to unlearn behaviours that hold me back that I do as a result of the past. For example, feeling able to say things I think and feel out loud without fear of repercussions. Challenging that “it’s better if I just keep quiet” feeling. Things like connecting with friends on the phone is harder now, but I have to remember it won’t result in 20 questions and doesn’t need to be a big deal or justified by any reason other than “because I want to.”

Because I want to.

It’s a fantastic phrase I’m trying to use a lot more. Getting permission for or justifying your actions for long periods of time really messes with your brain, truth be told. I find it really triggering when people give me permission to do things now but I’m trying to work on that – that might be a tougher one to tackle but counselling helps. With the medication change I will hopefully also rise from my Victorianesque bed rest, balance out my humors, and then god, help you all because I’ll be back out there kicking ass and taking names. Or softly sitting in the corner just having a nice time.

Although a lot remains unprocessed, there have been a lot of repairs made in the last year. A lot of love, laughter, support and friendship over the past year has kept me afloat. Plus some excellent hyperfixations that I’ll probably post in a later installment. But ultimately, I feel like this is the next step in my healing process. The immediate danger is gone but the residual harm has lingered so, that’s the next thing to tackle. I can and will live for me and thrive again.

Because I want to.

Final note

If you’re struggling, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone you love (please. Do it for me.) because although you may not be able to see through the brain fog there is light there, I promise. It’s a tough road and it might take longer than you think but with support, you will get through. Promise. X

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