One thing I am thankful for is that I am able to write this post, since there’s so much time for self-reflection and hobbies nowadays. I’ve been feeling for so long (since around October to be exact) like a shell of myself. Like I’d essentially peaked at 30 and I was now somehow struggling back uphill to become something I used to be…
So there’s a little llama (probably actually an alpaca) trinket tray I bought for my friend recently. When my anxieties were taking root and it caused a rift between me and another friend, she told me to pay a pound to the Drama Llama; a bit like you would give to a swear jar. It sounds so ridiculous, but in doing so it was easy to denounce the drama and not let it take root.
When I was 4, I won an award for being a Little Princess and (I jest that) it’s my most recognised achievement to date. The trophy has survived every clear out and house move my mum has had and as of today it’ll be 25 years old. I literally won it for being pretty (and also probably stood out due to the awesome hand-made dress that my grandma made for me.) I joked with my mum, that it was the only thing I’d ever really achieved.
I am forever telling you all about my childhood and how great it was. I was a lucky girl with a steady family and a pleasant upbringing, being able to achieve anything I wanted and always top-of-the-class. This is something I really value now I’m old enough to appreciate it, and I know that I am one of the minority who had this.
My abilities and idyllic surroundings brought forward feelings in me that I was in some way… Exceptional. I thought that everyone was placed there for my benefit; like everything was created to please, or anger, or confuse me. I am not sure how common it is, but when I was a kid I thought the world was made for me alone. It was a “God Complex” – a feeling that I had unlimited personal potential and control. Think a Hermione Granger in the Philosopher’s Stone mentality… (But don’t worry, it doesn’t last.)