As part of my 30 goals before I am 30, I made a pact to try out some mindfulness techniques. It only took 1 and a half years, a minor breakdown and lots of self-intervention to make a start! Hooray! So, obviously I am not the authority on mindfulness, but this is more of a… beginner’s experience.
I have had little to no luck when it comes to mindfulness and I’ve heard that it can be a struggle. For me it’s nearly impossible – I actually took a day to myself where I could do nothing, alone, and lasted well… you can see for yourself.
Recently, my life has been turned upside-down. For so long I’ve been holding back what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, the life I wanted to live. It was no-one’s fault; it just became this way slowly and I filled my life with material things as a way of filling some kind of void that I had inside me.
This isn’t one of those posts where I preach about how material things are unimportant. I understand that they all have a place, and so many things hold meaning in people’s lives. But to cut a long story short, I have (at least in the short term) moved out of my house and left a great deal of these material things behind, and it’s given me a little perspective on what’s really important.
“To dream the impossible dream, To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow,To run where the brave dare not go”
For weeks now, I’ve felt overwhelmed by the most minor of tasks… It’s safe to say I have not been adulting very well. Any thought of writing or creating was completely out of the window, as I struggled with the basic instinct of waking up and giving a damn about anything past what’s in front of my eyes. It’s a horrible feeling. It quells my ability to stop and truly think deeply about anything.
Every time I started a blog post, I typed out a paragraph and then thought, this is going nowhere. I’ve been through stints like this before – where everything is a struggle and it feels like I’m trapped behind a haze inside my own brain. But the logical side of me always knows it doesn’t last.
I just needed to wait it out.
I am forever telling you all about my childhood and how great it was. I was a lucky girl with a steady family and a pleasant upbringing, being able to achieve anything I wanted and always top-of-the-class. This is something I really value now I’m old enough to appreciate it, and I know that I am one of the minority who had this.
My abilities and idyllic surroundings brought forward feelings in me that I was in some way… Exceptional. I thought that everyone was placed there for my benefit; like everything was created to please, or anger, or confuse me. I am not sure how common it is, but when I was a kid I thought the world was made for me alone. It was a “God Complex” – a feeling that I had unlimited personal potential and control. Think a Hermione Granger in the Philosopher’s Stone mentality… (But don’t worry, it doesn’t last.)