When I was 28, which seems such a short time ago, I made a list of 30 goals I wanted to achieve before I was 30. Simple right? Make 30 plans, stick to them and tick them off one by one. Ha!
I did something today that I thought I’d never be able to do again. I took part in GoApe in Coventry. My body screamed “Don’t do it!”, my mind screamed “You’re crazy!” but this tiny part of me looked back at my scouting days and said…
“You’ve just got to try…”
One perfectly annoying habit I have is that when I feel sad or anxious, I seek out more negativity. It sounds like the worst idea, right? When I feel low my brain says… “You know what would be great? If we set ourselves off into a self-doubt spiral!” Once I am in there I find it a struggle to get out so this is a note to myself (and to you) on how to try to break free.
This post contains a gifted product worn while doing my shoot – hope you like them!
I think we’ve established many times that I am super awkward when it comes to being put in front of a camera. I envy some of my friends to whom it comes naturally – watching them swing around at their professional photoshoot, laughing and posing. They make it look so easy but then suddenly it’s my turn… and I freeze like a rabbit in head-lights.
People often say “Oh wow, this year has flown. I can’t believe it’s almost over.” But for me, this feels like the longest year in existence. It’s been an absolute roller-coaster of a year, where I’ve gone through minor breakdowns, major breakthroughs, had some self-doubt, learnt self-love, sought out new things and cherished some of the old.
I feel like (partly down to blogging) this has been my richest year yet – one with many happy memories and some not so good, but ultimately I’ve come out of it a different person. So here is my A-Z of 2018. I hope you take the time to read it, because seriously, it’s been a wild ride.
One day, quite a few years ago now, I turned to the one I loved at the time and said, “I feel unpretty today.” I felt rubbish about myself and thought I didn’t look nice. Perhaps I felt a bit ugly in what I wore. Perhaps I had a spot on my face that day, or my hair wasn’t playing ball. Mediocre worries about minute things.
So there’s a little llama (probably actually an alpaca) trinket tray I bought for my friend recently. When my anxieties were taking root and it caused a rift between me and another friend, she told me to pay a pound to the Drama Llama; a bit like you would give to a swear jar. It sounds so ridiculous, but in doing so it was easy to denounce the drama and not let it take root.
When I was 4, I won an award for being a Little Princess and (I jest that) it’s my most recognised achievement to date. The trophy has survived every clear out and house move my mum has had and as of today it’ll be 25 years old. I literally won it for being pretty (and also probably stood out due to the awesome hand-made dress that my grandma made for me.) I joked with my mum, that it was the only thing I’d ever really achieved.
One thing I’ve had to learn is that friends are not something to be collected like Pokémon or POGs. I know that sometimes individuals will surround themselves with as many people as possible in order to feel appreciated or wanted, but I have found that you can feel just as privileged having a few select friends who truly love you.
For weeks now, I’ve felt overwhelmed by the most minor of tasks… It’s safe to say I have not been adulting very well. Any thought of writing or creating was completely out of the window, as I struggled with the basic instinct of waking up and giving a damn about anything past what’s in front of my eyes. It’s a horrible feeling. It quells my ability to stop and truly think deeply about anything.
Every time I started a blog post, I typed out a paragraph and then thought, this is going nowhere. I’ve been through stints like this before – where everything is a struggle and it feels like I’m trapped behind a haze inside my own brain. But the logical side of me always knows it doesn’t last.
I just needed to wait it out.