I think we’ve established many times that I am super awkward when it comes to being put in front of a camera. I envy some of my friends to whom it comes naturally – watching them swing around at their professional photoshoot, laughing and posing. They make it look so easy but then suddenly it’s my turn… and I freeze like a rabbit in head-lights.
People often say “Oh wow, this year has flown. I can’t believe it’s almost over.” But for me, this feels like the longest year in existence. It’s been an absolute roller-coaster of a year, where I’ve gone through minor breakdowns, major breakthroughs, had some self-doubt, learnt self-love, sought out new things and cherished some of the old.
I feel like (partly down to blogging) this has been my richest year yet – one with many happy memories and some not so good, but ultimately I’ve come out of it a different person. So here is my A-Z of 2018. I hope you take the time to read it, because seriously, it’s been a wild ride.
One day, quite a few years ago now, I turned to the one I loved at the time and said, “I feel unpretty today.” I felt rubbish about myself and thought I didn’t look nice. Perhaps I felt a bit ugly in what I wore. Perhaps I had a spot on my face that day, or my hair wasn’t playing ball. Mediocre worries about minute things.
So there’s a little llama (probably actually an alpaca) trinket tray I bought for my friend recently. When my anxieties were taking root and it caused a rift between me and another friend, she told me to pay a pound to the Drama Llama; a bit like you would give to a swear jar. It sounds so ridiculous, but in doing so it was easy to denounce the drama and not let it take root.
When I was 4, I won an award for being a Little Princess and (I jest that) it’s my most recognised achievement to date. The trophy has survived every clear out and house move my mum has had and as of today it’ll be 25 years old. I literally won it for being pretty (and also probably stood out due to the awesome hand-made dress that my grandma made for me.) I joked with my mum, that it was the only thing I’d ever really achieved.
One thing I’ve had to learn is that friends are not something to be collected like Pokémon or POGs. I know that sometimes individuals will surround themselves with as many people as possible in order to feel appreciated or wanted, but I have found that you can feel just as privileged having a few select friends who truly love you.
For weeks now, I’ve felt overwhelmed by the most minor of tasks… It’s safe to say I have not been adulting very well. Any thought of writing or creating was completely out of the window, as I struggled with the basic instinct of waking up and giving a damn about anything past what’s in front of my eyes. It’s a horrible feeling. It quells my ability to stop and truly think deeply about anything.
Every time I started a blog post, I typed out a paragraph and then thought, this is going nowhere. I’ve been through stints like this before – where everything is a struggle and it feels like I’m trapped behind a haze inside my own brain. But the logical side of me always knows it doesn’t last.
I just needed to wait it out.
Blogging for me has always been an outlet – a place to get my thoughts and experiences down as memories (and just try to improve my writing along the way.) I never knew that it could also bring me so many opportunities to meet new people and get involved in local events.
For a few months now, I’ve been working on a project called Coventry Bloggers. Coventry’s blogging scene needs livening up SO much and we focus on putting bloggers in touch with companies and with each other. We just hosted our first Blogger Mixer event yesterday and I am pleased to say it was a huge success!
I am forever telling you all about my childhood and how great it was. I was a lucky girl with a steady family and a pleasant upbringing, being able to achieve anything I wanted and always top-of-the-class. This is something I really value now I’m old enough to appreciate it, and I know that I am one of the minority who had this.
My abilities and idyllic surroundings brought forward feelings in me that I was in some way… Exceptional. I thought that everyone was placed there for my benefit; like everything was created to please, or anger, or confuse me. I am not sure how common it is, but when I was a kid I thought the world was made for me alone. It was a “God Complex” – a feeling that I had unlimited personal potential and control. Think a Hermione Granger in the Philosopher’s Stone mentality… (But don’t worry, it doesn’t last.)
You know when you’re first getting to know someone new, and you ask them all those very important questions that pop into your head?
If you could only eat one food for your life what would it be? What superhero power would you pick?
What would your plan be in a zombie apocalypse?